Next day same as the first? This whole thing seems very self-indulgent and akward. Then again that kind of sums up my feelings about myself right now. I know there are a million and one things I should be doing. Well actually the most important thing I should be doing right now is writing some essays for my PhD program. I am so angry with myself for starting the PhD at this time. I just do not have the time to be doing it the way I want to do it. I have so little time and so much I want to do with it. I constantly disppoint myself. I know I have as much time as the next gal and yet I don't use it the best way. Then again I wonder if I do have as much time as the next gal as I have to do so much. Here comes a big complaint and whine: I am so tired of having to worry about everything myself. I am tired of having to take care of the cooking and the cleaning and paying the AAA bill and the car insurance and make Dr. appointments and make the bed and do the laundry and pay my student loan and pay the credit cards that consume so much of my income I hate I can't find time to work out and write and create and do photography and travel and go to the beach. I hate the duplex I live in I hate the dirty carpet and the cramped quarters. I want a home that reflects ME. The me I know and love not this me. I hate knowing I created this mess of a life and that I know somehow I can create a better one but feel constrained by my own ineptness. I know I am a good mother. I love being a mommy. I really enjoy it and he is the center of my life. I try to make sure that is not too heavy a burden to carry. Ok enough self-indulgence for tonight. I need to get back to typing some quartely reports and Needs & Assements for the teens I work with. I hate paperwork.